This is a mood I haven't been in for a while. NOISY!!! Not in the `lets play lots of Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails` style, so much as Pixies and B52s at full volume and piss off the neighbours. Pity all the people I'd really like to party with right now live on the wrong side of the world. I could just handle getting smashed with a bunch of lunatics, and probably end up doing this...
:: Steve Benway 8:10 PM [+] ::
Bleh. Getting up at 5:30pm isn't good for your frame of mind. I've got lots of little pet projects running around in my head, not to mention all the things I really should have done today, and there's really no time left to do them. Hahaha.... I was about to say friday nights in the chatroom can be rather busy, but wait... it's still thursday isn't it? Good grief, I'm so losing track here. This is what happens when you don't have a life, as such. Days on end, shut away in my squalid little hovel, like some kind of junkie, only venturing outside for vital provisions. It's true, in many respects, I am a junkie... a net junkie. The real world no longer matters to me, and if you aren't online, you don't exist to me. Does that make me a pathetic person? To some people it probably does, but I don't care. The friends I have on here are wonderful people, if equaly warped in their own separate ways. Therein lies the difference between my own little addiction, and that of the person out of their face on drugs... these friends are real people, not some crazed haullucination or fantasy, and they matter to me.
Reading Jack's blog kind of brought this home to me... and it also related to my last posting here. Yes, I want attention, and to be held in good regard, so I've built a special place, and good people do go there, but here's the thing: This place isn't all about ME. Heaven forbid. Okay, so I built it, set up the rules of conduct, and see that everyone behaves in an apropriate manner, but this isn't what's important. The people who come, do so for each other... it's a group thing, where everyone has a voice, and provided they aren't just talking crap, everyone listens. So maybe it's just a bunch of deluded neurotics babbling on about nothing that would matter to you, see it that way if you choose, but these people who I love come here, have fun, and feel good... and that makes me feel good. If I've helped a few individuals have some fun, or given them somewhere they feel they belong, then I've achieved something worth doing, however small. So now dear reader, as you sit there thinking how pathetic a life I live, ask yourself this. Have you done anything today that not only made you feel good, but that made a difference to anyone else? Did you make them feel good? More importantly though... would you do the same thing for a complete stranger? If the answer is yes, then you have my respect. If it's no, or you simply couldn't care less... *shrug*. Have a nice life, but don't be surprised if no-one gives a damn about you.
Does this sound like I'm trying to justify my existance to you? In a sense, I am, but in a greater way, I'm trying to justify it to myself. We all feel insecure about ourselves. Writing a weblog is a good way to speak aloud, to run a thought or idea through, see where it leads, and what conclusions we come to. So maybe it's a self indulgent thing too. We hope someone else will read it, and that maybe they'll see our point of view, and that in some small way, it will matter to them too.
:: Steve Benway 6:37 PM [+] ::
I'm second guessing myself now, and that's not good. You can probably tell I've been browsing through various blogs of late, and it's influenced the style of this blog to an extent. That in itself is no biggie, but here's where I have an issue... am I now writing this thing to pander to the readers, or for my own amusement because new ideas and styles are fun? I mean, I don't know if the slight change in style would even attract more readers, but really, should I care? That's not what it's all about, is it? It's probably time I stopped reading all the other stuff out there, and got back to what I'm about, whatever that is... but damnit, I do want to be noticed... gimme attention, gimme attention, I just wanna be loved *puke*.
:: Steve Benway 6:49 AM [+] ::
Well, I dunno about being a female star trek character, but the personality side of it comes as no great surprise. What is it about these tests that's so compelling? You don't learn anything from them... at least, I hope not, and I doubt any casual viewer actually gives a damn about your results.
You're T'Pol. You are very analytical and logical, as any good Vulcan is, but this makes you stick out like a sore thumb. You're cold and calculated, but there's a softer side to you that you tend to keep under wraps.
I don't know wtf this is all about, but I like it.
:: Steve Benway 5:39 AM [+] ::
Went to bed a couple of hours ago, `cause i really should get up sometime before the bank closes tomorrow... but sleep is not forthcoming. Don't you just hate that? You lay there, tossing and turning, really quite shattered, and not even occupied with particularly inspiring thoughts, but damnit, you just can't sleep. I guess I'll go sit in the chatroom a bit more. It really is the only place I can honestly say I exist anymore. The real world is little more than a distant memory, and strangely, I rather like it that way. Some people might say that's because I'm insecure about my place in the real world, but I'd say it's really not as simple as that. In the chatroom, who you are, is defined by what you think and believe, and not what you look or dress like, despite the fact that there are webcams in there. certainly, it's possible for people to create a persona to hide behind, but the people who frequent this place are far too smart to fall for any level of bullshit or dishonesty. Who we are is who we are, with no masks, and visitors who can't manage to be themself don't last very long.
:: Steve Benway 4:58 AM [+] ::
So there he is on the left... the infamous octopus himself. There are those who suggest that he and I are the same entity, but really... compare our pictures, it`s such a silly idea.
:: Steve Benway 2:32 AM [+] ::
It`s 1:08am, and I`m out of cigarettes. That`ll teach me to not buy them when I do my main grocery shopping. Now I have to wander down the hill, to the garage, and probably stand there as it pisses it down out there, waiting for the attendant to actually realise there`s someone there. Having not driven there in a car, there`s no little bell that rings in the place, to wake the attendant up. Ho hum. I haven't poked my head outside in a while, so I don`t know if it's raining. Probably is. It has been for most of the day. Before I go... wtf is my isp doing? It`s disconnected me twice while writing this, and I'm not that slow a typist, even if I am a bit crap at it. Let's hope they've sorted themselves out by the time I get back. There's nothing more annoying than being dumped from the chatroom, mid sentence. GRR!!!
:: Steve Benway 1:16 AM [+] ::
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
Here we are again. I've finally gotten the template for this thing to my liking, and added some links to other blogs. Arryana is a very dear friend who lives half way across the world from me. We've known each other for around three years, frequenting various chatrooms and whatever... following each other around the net. Her blog is a wonderful thing, as she has a way with words, and a perspective that's unlike that of anyone else I know. Jack is another regular in the chatroom with us. He's been thinking about starting a blog for a time, so I encouraged him to do so last night, and there it is. Hope you enjoy writing it Jack :-) Life In New York is a blog I stumbled across a couple of days ago. I don't know this person, though I did email him today, just to say I read his stuff, and find it very enjoyable. As someone in a slightly similar position, I can relate to what he says, and it's very well written. More later, should I find something worth saying... and I promise, no more silly survey results, unless I happen to see something really special.
:: Steve Benway 8:22 PM [+] ::
Not the most productive start to the day. I was supposed to get up around 1pm, to got into town and deposit a cheque, and then to the post office, to return another cheque to the sender in america. Did I do either of those? Well... no. I did actually wake up at 1, as planned, but was so comfortable and warm, that I just lay there for another 3 hours, thinking "I must get up. I must get up." Oh well. I'll do it tomorrow... or something. Truth is, I've been so busy this week, doing site updates and god knows what else, I really can't be bothered to do anything serious or productive.
Oh yeah, while I remember... it occurred to me that I may have given the wrong impression in a previous posting here... where I was saying how I'd done the whole relationship/family thing, and that I didn't want it/need it. I probably should point out that while there were kids involved in one of my previous relationships, none of them were mine. I'm not a totally irresponsible bastard. I'm tempted to go into some detail about that whole episode, but since it's old history, lets just say that she was such an utter nightmare that even the kids` own fathers couldn't bear to stay with her.... so I sure as hell wasn't going to.
Truth is, that relationship has a great deal to do with why I choose to remain single now. It rather destroyed my trust in women. Whenever I meet one now, I find myself questioning thier motives, and thinking "What is it you REALLY want?" Just to qualify that statement, before people start bombarding my comment box with abuse, I'm under no illusions, I know not all women are the same, and aren't all out to trap men, purely to get whatever it is they want. I do know several truly wonderful women, who's integrity, honesty and motivations are without reproach. Unfortunately for me, they're already married....hehe. It just seems to be that where single women are concerned, I only seem to attract psychopathic megabitches and basket cases.
:: Steve Benway 4:42 PM [+] ::
This really is getting far too geeky.
You're the FONT tag- some people ignore you, some people adore you. When you like someone, you like them a lot, but when you don't like them- watch out.
:: Steve Benway 2:29 AM [+] ::
You see the things I`m reduced to doing when I'm bored?
It's all very silly and pointless. Most of the blogs I found these tests on belonged to college kids, which is fair enough, but I'm 33, and really shouldn't be concerned with such things. On the other hand, another point of view would suggest that you lose sight of yourself, when you lose the child inside of you. It's good to play, and be silly, provided you don't lose sight of your responsiblities. Now then... what are my responsibilities? I feed my cat, make sure the rent and bills are paid, er... er... er... ok, so I really don't have many responsibilities. Ah, the joys of being single with no kids. Mind you, there are those that would suggest I'm single because of my lack of responibilty. Personally, I couldn't care less if that's true, I'm far too busy having fun.
Here is the question, I suppose. Which is better? To be able to do what you like, when you like, and not have to answer to anyone (within reason of course)... or to have the security of a relationship/family, with all the shit and hassles that go with it? Okay, I`ll be just a little controvercial here, and say that the only thing I miss about the second option (and yes, I have been there and done it. I'm not a total loser thank you very much) is regular sex. You can take all the other stuff and shove it. I don't want it, and certainly don't need it.
Having said all of that, for the right woman, I'd take everything I've just said, and shove that instead.... lol There's always room for contradiction, in my book :-)
Hahahahaha. It seems by contemporary standards, I'm really not very gothic at all. Oh dear....lol
0% - 10% (Britney)
Oh dear, oh dear. Far from being a world destroying DeathKiddy, you appear to enjoy kittens, bunnies and boybands. Not a cloud enters your sky and all is sweetness and light for you. Fucker. Take the DeathKiddy Test!
:: Steve Benway 1:42 AM [+] ::
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
Okay, this is honestly the last one tonight... probably. Well.... maybe not.
Umm. There was a survey result in this posting, but the image isn't appearing any more, so I've deleted it. For the record, in the `which chess piece are you?` survey... I'm a white bishop. I can't remember the exact description it gave... something like "elusive and misterious, you feel emotions deeply, being passionate in love, and even more in hate. You're a great ally, and a dangerous adversary... always approaching from an angle, especially in matteers of romance. You really need to stop analysing things" Heh.. my memory seems to be better than I thought... that's almost exactly what it said. I wouldn't have actually bothered putting this in, but I was so impressed with it's accuracy, that I couldn't help myself.
:: Steve Benway 9:31 PM [+] ::
You've really gotta be careful these days, the animals are getting dangerous.
What can I say... I'm bored. There's no-one in chat, so I'm just messing about with this thing.
:: Steve Benway 8:27 PM [+] ::
So... instant messengers. I used to love them, but since running the chatroom on my website for over a year, I've come to find them a total pain in the arse. There's NOTHING I find more annoying than engaging in a group chat, with a good bunch of people, only to have someone msg me on icq, msn or whatever, wanting my attention all to themself.... especially when they know exactly where the chatroom is. Why do I use them then? You may well ask. The answer? Errr........ let me get back to you on that one. It's not logical, captain. So, here's the result of a little survey I took. 18% addicted to Instant Messenger. How about you?
So, I may not be addicted to instant messengers, but I'm fast becoming hooked on weblogs, and probably silly online surveys too. More to follow, I'm sure. It's all just a phase though. I do it all the time... find some new online toy, play with it for a while, get bored, and move on to the next thing. For a 33 year old, I'm such a child ;-)
Oh crap! I've run out of cigs now. Oh well.... off to the shop we go. Coke too, while I'm there, I think.
That's a little better. I've changed the layout slightly, as having the archive above the other links was just silly. I like to think I'm at least half way decent with html, but the format of these blog tempates is very confusing... or at least, this one is. Anyway, I think it's about as good as I'm gonna get it, without a total re-design, and I`m far too lazy to do that. I guess the next thing to do is add some links to other blogs. So come on arry and Jack, get yourselves sorted, and get those blogs up... meanwhile, I'm off to hunt through the directory.
:: Steve Benway 7:14 PM [+] ::
So, late night last night. I finally went to bed around 5am, and got up today around 4:40pm. Sleep's a wonderful thing, and it look's like I may finally have gotten back into my old routine... up all night, asleep all day. God knows, it's taken a while.
So, ever played with language translating utilities? I had a mess around with one today, and the results were rather amusing. Click Here to take a look.
:: Steve Benway 6:33 PM [+] ::
I`m trying to add a comments script to this blog, so that people can leave replies, should they wish to. This is the first test, so we`ll see
:: Steve Benway 4:01 AM [+] ::
Okay, so I've added a link to the cam down there on the left too. To be honest, I don't know how many people actually read this thing. Like, yeah, there's a hit counter down there, but I've no idea how many of those hits are just a few repeat visitors, people who I already know, or what. No-one's ever emailed me regarding this log or anything. Don't get me wrong, these aren't complaints, and I know that's what blogging is all about... I just have to admit to a certain curiosity.
:: Steve Benway 3:17 AM [+] ::
I've been reading a few articles on making a successful weblog, and some of the things that put people off them. It seems one of people's main concerns is that it's all bullshit, and been made up... that the person isn't real. To be honest, I can see how that might be the case, with some of the more outragous logs out there, though I doubt anyone'd make up a life quite as dull and uneventful as mine.
Anyway, just to make things a little more real for you, I've added a little picture of myself, down there on the left. It's linked to a page on my website, that gives all kinds of details about myself. I dunno why anyone would want to read it, but what the heck, it's there if you want it.
Just for any people who may say I could've grabbed that image from anywhere on the net, here's a link to my webcam . You can view this, and the cams of some of the other regulars, in the chatroom, which is also linked to, down on the left.
:: Steve Benway 3:02 AM [+] ::
Monday, February 25, 2002
Oooh. That was fun :-) I did this little character type test, and this was the result.
I'm sure a lot has been written about Microsoft's .Net passport thing, and quite probably about something I've noticed recently, but I figured I'd talk about it here anyway, as it rather bothers me.. I suspect it's a little more than the benign universal password system Microsoft would have us believe. While logging into Microsoft Bcentral, to check the performance of the banner exchange on my site, I've noticed that since they switched over to .Net, it takes significantly longer at actually get in. Now... that in itself is no real cause for concern, as I'm sure there's some heavy duty encription going on behind the scenes, however, what does bother me, is that while logging in, the send and recieve lights on my modem are going bananas... and not just for a short time. I`m talking about 3 - 4 minutes of high traffic. So the question is, just what information is being passed between my computer and theirs? It doesn't take 3 - 4 mins of high traffic just to confirm that I'm who I say I am, so there has to be something else going on, and Microsoft have a reputation for using under-handed tactics. Watch your modem lights next time you log into a Microsoft site, and see what you think.
In other news, I've added a new section to my site. Benway's Rants is where I'll be posting essays, editorials, and any other long pieces that are too big to fit into this weblog, and that don't fit anywhere specific on my site. It`s just a place where I can speak aloud on whatever I feel like at any given time. To be honest, I doubt many people will bother with it... but that's okay, it's there purely for my own satisfaction :-)
:: Steve Benway 10:08 PM [+] ::
Sunday, February 24, 2002
On the subject of advertising... wtf is wrong with mens razor advertisers? There are two main adverts showing on tv here at the moment that simply annoy the crap out of me. The main selling point of one is that women will love men who use this particular razor. Pretty lowest common denominator, though there is a certain logic to it. The other one though.... `it's blue`. !!!!!! "Oh my... let me rush out and buy this new razor. It`s blue!! I just must have one" Duh!
:: Steve Benway 6:35 PM [+] ::
Curious. They`ve been showing a lot of commercials on sky tv aimed at the Irish market. That in iteslf is nothing remarkable, but I find it fascinating to observe the difference in style between irish and english advertising. The general production quality of the irish adverts is similar, if maybe just a fraction lower, but the type of voice used in voiceovers is entirely different... and I don`t just mean the accent. In english advertising, they tend to use very slick, proffesional sounding voices... the kind of thing you`d expect from a bank manager or insurance salesman. Very glossy. The irish voices however... they seem to go for something a lot more gritty. Some sounds like your granny, and others like, hmm... maybe the guy on the vegetable stall at the local market, after a day of shouting his wares at the top of his voice. They`re much more `real world`, whatever that is. The kind of voice you`d expect to hear down the pub. I wonder what that says about the mentalities of our respective populations. Some nationalistic englishmen might suggest it means we`re more profesional, or sophisticated, though a more realistic view might be to suggest that the irish are simply more down to earth, and unpretentious.
:: Steve Benway 5:11 PM [+] ::
Hmmm. It`s 6:47am, and I woke up, having had freaky dreams. That`ll teach me to eat pizza before going to bed. So anyway, I couldn`t go back to sleep, and decided to turn on the tv. Oops... it`s Sunday... and you know what that means? The Hour of Power, on Sky1. Now, I`m not a religious person in any conventional sense, and I`m deffinitely not a christian, but y`know, this morning, and in fact, every other morning I`ve found myself accidentally listening to this program, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It`s not the preachy, aspect that appeals to me... but that for a good deal of the time, the guy giving the sermon simply talks good sense, and more importantly, he injects it with real humour. I wonder if that`s what`s wrong with religion in general... it`s not fun. This show certainly fixes that. I could see a lot of people being converted by it. If I didn`t have such a strong feeling of `what is` already, I`d probably be converted myself. Very enjoyable, and a nice way to start the day.
:: Steve Benway 6:56 AM [+] ::
Saturday, February 23, 2002
Have you ever sat staring at a blank page, wondering what to write? Have you ever looked at your floor and thought "Oh my god! Is there really a carpet under all that crap?" Have you ever sat, scratched your nuts and thought "Thats better... and who gives a damn anyway?" Have you ever sat and read back through what you`ve written, thinking "Good grief. Who`d ever want to read this drivel?" And the morel of this story? When you`ve sat staring at a computer screen for days in a row, you should take a break, or you`ll end up writing a load of crap like I am :-)
:: Steve Benway 10:37 PM [+] ::
Friday, February 22, 2002
I`d tell you something interesting.... but I haven`t done anything interesting. Just a load of updates to my website. I updated all the links in the bands directory, which was a very long job... like 9 hours long. More than half of the links were dead, and when I`d removed them, the whole directory looked so bare, that I had to go searching the net to find new sites to link to. I also added advertising banners to each of the pages, and a load of other little things that the casual viewer wouldn`t notice. I`ll do a few more promotional bits and pieces to it tomorrow, and then upload it all.
:: Steve Benway 11:37 PM [+] ::
Busy day. It`s rather shocking how much time running a website consumes, especially as it's only a hobby. I`m working may way through all of the pages on my site, and adding what I hope are approprate advertising banners, in an effort to try and bring in a little revenue. The thing is, the site's pretty huge, so it`s taking quite a while to get the job done. About a week should do it, and then I can start on my next project... a video review section.
:: Steve Benway 12:29 AM [+] ::
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
Yeah yeah yeah... I know. I haven`t posted in the log for ages. What can I say... I`ve been busy. Amongst a whole load of other things, I wrote an essay on the behaviour and hierarchy in my webcam chatroom, and since then, have been working to revamp and update the section on my site for webmasters to help them promote their sites. On top of that, I`ve been adding more advertising to various pages. I`ll make a living from this site if it`s the last thing I do. My `to do` list still reads like War and Peace, but to be honest, the more ideas I have, the more I enjoy the whole process.
:: Steve Benway 8:26 PM [+] ::
Friday, February 08, 2002
Well, it`s been a crappy couple of days. Yesterday, I recieved a letter from my bank, informing me that a cheque I`s deposited in my account a month ago, and which the bank had cahsed on trust, had bounced. So, they debited my account, leaving me overdrawn. The worrying thing is, I`ve deposited 4 more cheques from the same source over the past 4 weeks, all of which have been cashed on trust, and since the source of these cheques isn`t responding to my emails, I don`t know if they will all bounce or not. If they do, I`m in deep shit. So that was yesterday. Today, I recieved an email from my isp, telling me that I am abusing the service, by remaining connected for in excess of 16 hours in a 24 hour period. Well damnit!!! Looks like I`m going to have to cut down my usage over the weekends. I wonder what else can go wrong. They say bad luck comes in threes. It`s just a complete bummer, `cause untill 3 days ago, things were really going rather well.
:: Steve Benway 6:17 PM [+] ::