Crazy Purple Rubber Squeaky Octopus

Thursday, February 28, 2002

This is a mood I haven't been in for a while. NOISY!!! Not in the `lets play lots of Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails` style, so much as Pixies and B52s at full volume and piss off the neighbours. Pity all the people I'd really like to party with right now live on the wrong side of the world. I could just handle getting smashed with a bunch of lunatics, and probably end up doing this...
:: Steve Benway 8:10 PM [+] ::
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Bleh. Getting up at 5:30pm isn't good for your frame of mind. I've got lots of little pet projects running around in my head, not to mention all the things I really should have done today, and there's really no time left to do them.
Hahaha.... I was about to say friday nights in the chatroom can be rather busy, but wait... it's still thursday isn't it? Good grief, I'm so losing track here. This is what happens when you don't have a life, as such. Days on end, shut away in my squalid little hovel, like some kind of junkie, only venturing outside for vital provisions. It's true, in many respects, I am a junkie... a net junkie. The real world no longer matters to me, and if you aren't online, you don't exist to me. Does that make me a pathetic person? To some people it probably does, but I don't care. The friends I have on here are wonderful people, if equaly warped in their own separate ways. Therein lies the difference between my own little addiction, and that of the person out of their face on drugs... these friends are real people, not some crazed haullucination or fantasy, and they matter to me.


Reading Jack's blog kind of brought this home to me... and it also related to my last posting here. Yes, I want attention, and to be held in good regard, so I've built a special place, and good people do go there, but here's the thing: This place isn't all about ME. Heaven forbid. Okay, so I built it, set up the rules of conduct, and see that everyone behaves in an apropriate manner, but this isn't what's important. The people who come, do so for each other... it's a group thing, where everyone has a voice, and provided they aren't just talking crap, everyone listens.
So maybe it's just a bunch of deluded neurotics babbling on about nothing that would matter to you, see it that way if you choose, but these people who I love come here, have fun, and feel good... and that makes me feel good.
If I've helped a few individuals have some fun, or given them somewhere they feel they belong, then I've achieved something worth doing, however small.
So now dear reader, as you sit there thinking how pathetic a life I live, ask yourself this. Have you done anything today that not only made you feel good, but that made a difference to anyone else? Did you make them feel good? More importantly though... would you do the same thing for a complete stranger? If the answer is yes, then you have my respect. If it's no, or you simply couldn't care less... *shrug*. Have a nice life, but don't be surprised if no-one gives a damn about you.


Does this sound like I'm trying to justify my existance to you? In a sense, I am, but in a greater way, I'm trying to justify it to myself. We all feel insecure about ourselves. Writing a weblog is a good way to speak aloud, to run a thought or idea through, see where it leads, and what conclusions we come to. So maybe it's a self indulgent thing too. We hope someone else will read it, and that maybe they'll see our point of view, and that in some small way, it will matter to them too.
:: Steve Benway 6:37 PM [+] ::
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I'm second guessing myself now, and that's not good.
You can probably tell I've been browsing through various blogs of late, and it's influenced the style of this blog to an extent. That in itself is no biggie, but here's where I have an issue... am I now writing this thing to pander to the readers, or for my own amusement because new ideas and styles are fun? I mean, I don't know if the slight change in style would even attract more readers, but really, should I care? That's not what it's all about, is it?
It's probably time I stopped reading all the other stuff out there, and got back to what I'm about, whatever that is... but damnit, I do want to be noticed... gimme attention, gimme attention, I just wanna be loved *puke*.
:: Steve Benway 6:49 AM [+] ::
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Well, I dunno about being a female star trek character, but the personality side of it comes as no great surprise. What is it about these tests that's so compelling? You don't learn anything from them... at least, I hope not, and I doubt any casual viewer actually gives a damn about your results.


You're T'Pol. You are very analytical and logical, as any good Vulcan is, but this makes you stick out like a sore thumb. You're cold and calculated, but there's a softer side to you that you tend to keep under wraps.

Take the Enterprise Quiz!
:: Steve Benway 6:23 AM [+] ::
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Yeah, I know these tests are pointless, and the result of this one says nothing about anything, but I laughed my dumb head off taking it :-)

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz
:: Steve Benway 5:57 AM [+] ::
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I don't know wtf this is all about, but I like it.
:: Steve Benway 5:39 AM [+] ::
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Went to bed a couple of hours ago, `cause i really should get up sometime before the bank closes tomorrow... but sleep is not forthcoming. Don't you just hate that? You lay there, tossing and turning, really quite shattered, and not even occupied with particularly inspiring thoughts, but damnit, you just can't sleep.
I guess I'll go sit in the chatroom a bit more. It really is the only place I can honestly say I exist anymore. The real world is little more than a distant memory, and strangely, I rather like it that way. Some people might say that's because I'm insecure about my place in the real world, but I'd say it's really not as simple as that. In the chatroom, who you are, is defined by what you think and believe, and not what you look or dress like, despite the fact that there are webcams in there. certainly, it's possible for people to create a persona to hide behind, but the people who frequent this place are far too smart to fall for any level of bullshit or dishonesty. Who we are is who we are, with no masks, and visitors who can't manage to be themself don't last very long.
:: Steve Benway 4:58 AM [+] ::
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So there he is on the left... the infamous octopus himself. There are those who suggest that he and I are the same entity, but really... compare our pictures, it`s such a silly idea.
:: Steve Benway 2:32 AM [+] ::
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It`s 1:08am, and I`m out of cigarettes. That`ll teach me to not buy them when I do my main grocery shopping. Now I have to wander down the hill, to the garage, and probably stand there as it pisses it down out there, waiting for the attendant to actually realise there`s someone there. Having not driven there in a car, there`s no little bell that rings in the place, to wake the attendant up. Ho hum.
I haven't poked my head outside in a while, so I don`t know if it's raining. Probably is. It has been for most of the day.
Before I go... wtf is my isp doing? It`s disconnected me twice while writing this, and I'm not that slow a typist, even if I am a bit crap at it. Let's hope they've sorted themselves out by the time I get back. There's nothing more annoying than being dumped from the chatroom, mid sentence. GRR!!!
:: Steve Benway 1:16 AM [+] ::
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Wednesday, February 27, 2002

Here we are again.
I've finally gotten the template for this thing to my liking, and added some links to other blogs.
Arryana is a very dear friend who lives half way across the world from me. We've known each other for around three years, frequenting various chatrooms and whatever... following each other around the net. Her blog is a wonderful thing, as she has a way with words, and a perspective that's unlike that of anyone else I know.
Jack is another regular in the chatroom with us. He's been thinking about starting a blog for a time, so I encouraged him to do so last night, and there it is. Hope you enjoy writing it Jack :-)
Life In New York is a blog I stumbled across a couple of days ago. I don't know this person, though I did email him today, just to say I read his stuff, and find it very enjoyable. As someone in a slightly similar position, I can relate to what he says, and it's very well written.
More later, should I find something worth saying... and I promise, no more silly survey results, unless I happen to see something really special.
:: Steve Benway 8:22 PM [+] ::
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Not the most productive start to the day.
I was supposed to get up around 1pm, to got into town and deposit a cheque, and then to the post office, to return another cheque to the sender in america. Did I do either of those? Well... no.
I did actually wake up at 1, as planned, but was so comfortable and warm, that I just lay there for another 3 hours, thinking "I must get up. I must get up."
Oh well. I'll do it tomorrow... or something.
Truth is, I've been so busy this week, doing site updates and god knows what else, I really can't be bothered to do anything serious or productive.


Oh yeah, while I remember... it occurred to me that I may have given the wrong impression in a previous posting here... where I was saying how I'd done the whole relationship/family thing, and that I didn't want it/need it. I probably should point out that while there were kids involved in one of my previous relationships, none of them were mine. I'm not a totally irresponsible bastard.
I'm tempted to go into some detail about that whole episode, but since it's old history, lets just say that she was such an utter nightmare that even the kids` own fathers couldn't bear to stay with her.... so I sure as hell wasn't going to.


Truth is, that relationship has a great deal to do with why I choose to remain single now. It rather destroyed my trust in women. Whenever I meet one now, I find myself questioning thier motives, and thinking "What is it you REALLY want?"
Just to qualify that statement, before people start bombarding my comment box with abuse, I'm under no illusions, I know not all women are the same, and aren't all out to trap men, purely to get whatever it is they want. I do know several truly wonderful women, who's integrity, honesty and motivations are without reproach. Unfortunately for me, they're already married....hehe.
It just seems to be that where single women are concerned, I only seem to attract psychopathic megabitches and basket cases.
:: Steve Benway 4:42 PM [+] ::
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This really is getting far too geeky.





You're the FONT tag- some people ignore you, some people adore you. When you like someone, you like them a lot, but when you don't like them- watch out.
:: Steve Benway 2:29 AM [+] ::
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You see the things I`m reduced to doing when I'm bored?


It's all very silly and pointless. Most of the blogs I found these tests on belonged to college kids, which is fair enough, but I'm 33, and really shouldn't be concerned with such things.
On the other hand, another point of view would suggest that you lose sight of yourself, when you lose the child inside of you. It's good to play, and be silly, provided you don't lose sight of your responsiblities.
Now then... what are my responsibilities? I feed my cat, make sure the rent and bills are paid, er... er... er... ok, so I really don't have many responsibilities. Ah, the joys of being single with no kids.
Mind you, there are those that would suggest I'm single because of my lack of responibilty. Personally, I couldn't care less if that's true, I'm far too busy having fun.


Here is the question, I suppose. Which is better? To be able to do what you like, when you like, and not have to answer to anyone (within reason of course)... or to have the security of a relationship/family, with all the shit and hassles that go with it?
Okay, I`ll be just a little controvercial here, and say that the only thing I miss about the second option (and yes, I have been there and done it. I'm not a total loser thank you very much) is regular sex. You can take all the other stuff and shove it. I don't want it, and certainly don't need it.


Having said all of that, for the right woman, I'd take everything I've just said, and shove that instead.... lol
There's always room for contradiction, in my book :-)

:: Steve Benway 2:10 AM [+] ::
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Hahahahaha.
It seems by contemporary standards, I'm really not very gothic at all.
Oh dear....lol


0% - 10% (Britney)


Oh dear, oh dear.
Far from being a world destroying DeathKiddy, you appear to enjoy kittens, bunnies and boybands.
Not a cloud enters your sky and all is sweetness and light for you.
Fucker. Take the DeathKiddy Test!
:: Steve Benway 1:42 AM [+] ::
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Tuesday, February 26, 2002

Okay, this is honestly the last one tonight... probably.
Well.... maybe not.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

:: Steve Benway 10:12 PM [+] ::
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Alright, I know... this is getting silly, but hey, I'm having fun.

Which Action Star Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty
:: Steve Benway 9:55 PM [+] ::
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